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A Love Letter to Bacon

28 Jan

darenstreblowlovesbacon

I love bacon.

I saw a link on a web page that said, “If You Read This Article on Bacon You Will Never Eat Bacon Again.” Naturally, I did what any bacon-lover would do when this type of link popped up on his or her computer screen: I yanked the power chord out of the back of the computer, screamed, and ran barefoot out into the snow. What a terrible close call!

An exposé on bacon? Really? What kind of monster would misuse the talents that God had given him to destroy the happiness of so many people? Are health writers out of their minds? These health writers are probably tempted to talk to kids enjoying a live puppet show and say, “You know that puppets are fake, right? Those puppets are made of felt which is probably manufactured in China using child slave labor. Yeah, that puppet is being operated by an ordinary guy with bad breath named Bill. He actually hates little kids, and he’s only doing this show because he owes his sister a lot of money. Have a nice day kiddo and be sure to friend me on Facebook!”

Health writers are all making a mistake when they think we want to know this kind of information. We don’t. No, I’m serious. We really don’t want to know.

Another mistake that health writers make is that they try to appeal to a bacon-lover’s desire for self-preservation. “Oh! Bacon hurts you!” “Oh! Bacon is bad for you!” I surmise from these patronizing lectures that the health writers actually believe that we think bacon is, well, healthy! You know, just because I’m putting crumbled bacon on a salad doesn’t mean I think it’s healthy.

Even delusional smokers know bacon is unhealthy. I’ve heard smokers say, “Smoking cigarettes isn’t bad for me. I mean… it’s not like I’m eating bacon.”

We don’t eat bacon for its health benefits. We eat bacon because it makes our taste buds sing like angels. Bacon makes our mouths fly around the room and bursts of confetti explode in our heads. It’s an amazing taste. Have you ever accidentally got a piece of the wax paper that wraps around bacon to fry in the skillet and then put in in your mouth unawares? Do you spit the wax paper out? Nope. Why? It tastes like bacon!

If scientists ever could make a poison to taste like bacon, it would be the end of all civilization as we know it.

So a word to the health writers out there: If you want to make us bacon-lovers see the light and turn from our wicked ways, you are going to have to have to provide more compelling reasons to get us on the wagon than trite little factoids about bacon probably killing us. You have going to have to go much deeper and speak to us at the core of our beings. You are going to have to go nuclear. You are going to have to write an article that says something like,
“Study Proves That Bacon Ruins the Taste of Donuts.”

I almost fainted just there.