I received this letter:
It has come to our attention that you are no longer interested in having us in your home; this news is very disappointing to us. You used to have many of us living with you indefinitely, but now it seems you have lost your sense of hospitality. We are hoping this letter will open a dialogue and perhaps usher in some reconciliation.
The Pets of the World
I have to admit, I’m very surprised to hear from you — especially in a hand-written letter. I suppose it’s possible that your letter truly isn’t real, and that I’m just having another reaction to Easter potato salad; however, I am happy to explain myself.
It is true that I no longer keep any pets. Don’t get the wrong idea here: it’s not really you — it’s me. Well, let me rephrase that: it’s really you.
You dogs, for example: I got very attached to you. I have fond memories of playing together, and romping through the neighbor’s trash together. You seemed happy. You acted happy! Why then, did you develop this strange habit of running in traffic until someone hit you? It seemed like a fun game to you (while it lasted) but how am I supposed to take that as anything but a clear sign that you would rather play in traffic than live with me?
Furthermore, if I didn’t drive you to playing in traffic, and it was just a fun activity to you, don’t you think that was erratic behavior? How am I supposed to remain friends with an adrenaline-junky who takes those kinds of risks? It’s like being best friends with a skydiver who lack depth perception.
Speaking of horrible despicable psycho-cats: you cats never respected me — admit it! All my attempts to scratch your ears were met with deep scratches in my tender flesh — how warm and friendly! It sure felt good to house and feed someone who’s motto was, “dissect and obliterate the hand that feeds you.” Plus your breath smells more like rotting fish than actual rotting fish — how is that even possible?!!
You rabbits were okay when it came to temperament; you were stand-offish but I respected that. But wow… I’ve never been so allergic to anyone! What, are you rolling in radioactive gluten? No thanks; I heard you are rodents anyway.
I know you pets have made several attempts to woo me back since I’ve gone pet-free, but you need to rethink your strategy. I will go to a friend’s house for dinner, and the family dog will persistently lick my socks before the meal. Well, you won’t believe this, but the soggy-sock olive-branch wasn’t a warm-fuzzy for me! It was more of a cold-soggy-fuzzy. I know… I must have a heart of stone.
Don’t try to persuade me on this; I’m not interested anymore. I don’t want to come across as insensitive, but you pets stink, you’re expensive, you’re time-consuming, you’re annoying, you’re lazy, you’re rude, you’re bad company, and you cozy-up to burglars.
If you change these bad habits, we can talk — if that’s even an option.
PS. Your cursive needs work.